And we're back!

These little pups are named "Rex" and "Matilda." I do not care for their blanket, I must admit, because I do not care for the Southwest design motif, at all. I hope that's just an old blanket that someone doesn't care about and that's why it's covering two puppies in the grass. Also, Matilda looks like she is wearing a big earring, like a pirate.

Also, are they in love or are they brother and sister? I think they are brother and sister. I wonder if one is older than the other and if they compete with each other on weird things like who can hide the most bones in the yard, or who can run around the longest without getting a drink of water.

As you may have heard, I myself am an only child so I did not have to compete with any other little children who happened to live in my house. And my cousins were boys and we just beat up on each other alot but never really competed at anything except Nintendo, and that tended to be very tame if at all. But there was a game that I really liked and was very competitive at and that was Monopoly.

I was around 9 when I started getting interested in Monopoly. And when I was interested in something I became fanatically obsessed with it. To become obsessed with one's interests is a trait of only children, if you did not know that. I had this old version of Monopoly that I discovered lying about the house that was missing pieces and some of the money and it was kinda faded and it had a spider web in it and it was gross but i really liked it. And I became so obsessed with Monopoly that I played it all the time and read this book about it over and over and over and memorized every single piece of real estate and how much every single fee was, regardless of how many houses and hotels the property had. And my little friend Kimmy Jo Johnson would come over and we would play Monopoly for hours and hours and I think I pissed her off because I was such a know-it-all about Monopoly and I must have been a holy terror to play with. And when she wasn't around I played with "Bill" who was not a real person, wasn't even represented by a doll or a pillow or anything, "Bill" was just my Monopoly partner, and I would make all the decisions for "Bill" like "oh yes of course Maymee I will give you Boardwalk for your Purples" (which in actuality is NOT a trade I would ever make because the purples are worthless and Boardwalk is practically never landed on and I know that because I used to read BOOKS about Monopoly) or "oh yes you can roll again that was clearly a bad roll" and stuff like that. And oddly enough I beat poor Bill all the time. He beat me once I think and I was so damn mad about it I vowed to never play with him again and then realized that that was totally absurd because 1) if I coudln't play with Bill who the hell woudl I play with, no one and 2) Um....Bill is not actually real maymee, so you actually just beat yourself in Monopoly. And I think after that weirdo incident I decided to play more fairly with dear Bill, and my enjoyment, as well as my skill at the game, improved exponentially.

Some of my friends played Monopoly at my house the other day, but instead of playing, I took a nap.

A Kitten...

Ok, without further ado, this tiny kitten's name is "Detective Frankie Meow Meow." At first I thought he was a girl, but after all of these recent forays into gender bending I've been having I decided to give him another look, and this kitten is most certainly a boy. In fact, he is a Sleuth!! He is trying to solve the mystery of why his owner is so fat and has such a huge hand!! I'll tell you why, it's because he eats all the pop tarts all day! Gross! Do you know what is in those things? Nothing real I'll you that for sure. And look, it turns you into a mutant and makes your limbs and things grow into ginormous pinchers like something from CHUD. In fact, I think that guy should have Detective Frankie taken away from him.

My favorite pet in the whole wide world was Steiner and she was a calico cat and she was older than I was in people years when she died. She was 21 and she had two litters and lived with another cat with feline leukemia but never went to the doctor once in her whole long life. And she and I were little buddies b/c we were about the same age and both thought the dog was a dumb spoiled brat who took all of mom's attention and so we saw eye to eye on all kinds of things. One day we got a new dog who was just too hyper and Steiner was old and cantankerous by then and hated everyone but me and so she was like "Dudes, I'm outta here!" and so she went and she passed away in the bath tub. Oh I just loved that cat so much. I still dream about her like she is still alive.

CHUD is my favorite horror movie.

What will Aunt Maymee say today?!

This kid looks like a "Ginny" to me.

Now that the name has been popularized by Harry Potter, I suspect alot of children will be named "Ginny." I think naming things/dogs/people names from literature is infinetely cooler than naming them names from the soaps. Seriously, there was a guy on my soap named "Thorn." Really? Thorn? You know that's not a real name, even if you do come from a family of fashion designers. And I think Thorn had a brother named Storm, but he was pretty inconsequential to the show.

OK, I wonder where little Ginny is now. What could she be doing, where does she live? Does she still like the snow? Do her clothes have hearts on them? Does she like to sing? Is she gregarious? Does she drink alot or have lots of beaus? I have pictures of myself from when I was little in my cubicle, and my co worker likes to trick people into thinking it's someone else and gets them to comment on the picture. You'd think she was sadistic, but most of the time it's just funny. Like the one time an unsuspecting co worker said "Oh that kid looks like she would grow up to be a person with a big nose." Which is funny because I do NOT have a big nose, as evidenced by my picture to the right of this blog. If I DID have a big nose, that would not have been funny I spose, but I guess now we'll never know.

Personally I think I look JUST the same as I did in that picture when I was 2 1/2 and I do NOT look like I would grow up to have a big nose.

Ginny looks like she'd be into winter sports.

Off to a good start this week...

Today I am listening a strange playlist I discovered on my ipod that is all hip hop and rap, and it has subsequently influenced me to name this elephant “T Master Stomp Stomp.” “T” sure is skinny, isn’t he? He needs to eat some of Todd the gerbil’s shredded wheat. “Now Maymee!” you say, “You don’t strike me as a HIP HOP and RAP kinda gal!” Well dear reader, you are correct. I am not. I like showtunes and other music that’s generally considered pretty dullsville. But this is not my fault! I am technically slow! Most of the music on my ipod was actually put on there by someone else, and I lack the basic skills to change it. It’s easy! you say. Well if it were so flippin easy, explain how someone with a bachelor’s degree managed to lose about 300 of her songs, rename half of her playlists “Playlist 1”(which does NOT make me happy), and inexplicably dump TWO of her beloved audiobooks, simply by “Synching with Library!” Aren’t you SUPPOSED to synch with the library! Ugh. I hate everything. I have no idea where this playlist came from or who put it on there. Apparently I should keep a better eye on “Harry” (that’s my ipod’s name) than I have been. I mean, I like all these songs, they are pretty nifty and I feel like I’ve grown as a person in the world just listening to them. But oh my! They are not mine!! What shall I do? Do you know I don’t even post my own posts! A little angel named Dice does it for me! Thanks Dice!

Ha ha! I bet you had no IDEA I had a BA. Guess what it’s in.

Now, they say elephants never forget.

Do you think they forgive?

Day #....I forget

Oh how adorable this little pony is! Isn’t an adorable little pony every little girl’s birthday dream? My birthday was on Thursday, but I did not receive a pony. I did, however, receive a copy of "Atonement" which I guess is the grown up version of a pony, because I really really wanted it, and I did in fact squeal an extremely high-pitched and delighted squeal when I got it, and then I sort of danced around and hugged the box a lot. But, unlike a pony, I was able to display my new copy of "Atonement" on my mantle. At any rate, if a guest HAD shown up with a pony for my birthday, I would have ridden it around.

Everybody knows every horse is REALLY named "Cinnamon," but humans will inevitably try and personify the creature somehow by giving it a people name. This minature pony’s people name is "Li’l Ruby Saddle"and everyone calls her that, unless you are talking to her little pony friends "Cinnamon" and "Cinnamon," who refer to her as "Cinnamon."

I once met a minature person at the fair. I really did. Can you believe such a thing happened? There was a barker and everything. And she wasn’t a little person she described herself as a minature person. And she WAS very very tiny. She was about 2'5" tall and my dad and I went to talk to her in this weird tent on the Midway and she was standing on a box next to her itsy bitty rocking chair and she told us all about her life and it was all very bizarre. She gave me a post card.

One other time at the fair I met Fat Albert. AND there used to be a Butter Cow, but I think it melted or something. .

Day #9

Welcome to the world "Lois Pambley!" Someday in the future you will get braces and teeth whitening, your hair will receive extensive extensions, you'll be persuaded to get lasik surgery and stop wearing your glasses, and you'll eat lettuce for a month because Brad is coming to visit.

But until then, you are beautiful! Keep playing with worms and writing stories about dragon people and talking to "The Snod" who you are convinced lives in the bush in front of your house and missing the bus at least three times a week and making goals for the other team and dreaming of being a forensic pathologist when you grow up because you like horror movies. Just keep doing that. Because you are like, rad. Don't get any ideas, this post is only semi-autobiographical.

Day #8

Momma is “Genevive” and baby is “Helga” because they both look like they might just up and start to yodel. And those sound like yodelin’ names to me.

Day #7

Everything is in a name. EVERYTHING. Don't forget this. This fact is important and it's true. It's true regardless of whether or not you believe it is true. I will not go into the evidence of this because you can certainly do this on your own time, using the internet or perhaps and older piece of underrated searching equipment, the microfiche.



Now, this baby's name is "Lotus Elena." She seems like a little flower to me hence the "Lotus." And Elena is Helena's mother's name, so I thought that would be nice. And since their other child is "Billy Ray," clearly picked out by Mr. Burton, I thought Helena should be represented in this child. Now this hip celebrity couple has to decide whether to use "Burton," "Carter," Carter-Burton," "Bonham Carter," "Bonham Carter Burton," or just "Bonham" to finish it off. I would use just "Bonham" because "Carter" sounds like she's a country singer, "Bonham Carter Burton" would inevitably be turned into "BCB" the minute she got a DUI or started dating Kate Winslet's kid. And "Burton" is her brother's last name, and celebrities and their children need to be individuals, and shouldn't let on that they are necessarily related. Like Jamie Lee Curtis, who tricked everyone by taking her father's (Tony Curtis) name AND her mother's (Janet Leigh) name, but spelled it differently so no one would know any of them were related unless you saw Halloween H20, 20 Years Later and noticed not only the resemblence between mother and daughter but also their super hilarious inside joke when Janet Leigh says to Jaime "I've always felt like a mother figure to you," which is funny because she IS her mother and then you also think about how they are both stars of super AWESOME slasher flicks, it makes it even cooler.



Booooooooo!!! I just accidentally discovered this kid's real name and it's kinda dullsville and doesn't have the flair and theatricallity of "Lotus" and I think the Bonham Carter Burton's have may have missed an opportunity here. Do you know they live next to each other in seperate residences but share a hallway? What an unusual arrangement.



If the stork brought me a baby, I would name her "Lola" after that teenage gal in Atonement who wore that really smart pant suit.



MY stage name is "Floosie O'Toole."

Day #6

Oh boy this fuzzy friend from the Arctic is so darn cute. His name is “Leonardo” and he is a boy. In fact, his full name is “Leonardo Fitzgerald Gossamer Lyon.” I think he looks sort of like he has a lot of potential for wisdom, like he would grow up to be the wise old bear that all the other younger bears would ask advice of. He seems like the kind of bear who would have a small but significant role in a Pixar film about a polar bear community and the romantic lead polar bear, Jax, would go to Leonardo and ask him for love advice on how to snag the hot young blingin’ girl polar bear, Kennedi, who has her own dance crew and is the object of affection of all the boy polar bears, and Leonardo would tell Jax to give her a fish.

Hmmmmm……I am not very creative I guess, because that movie sounds suspiciously like that penguin movie that came out last year. The one where they all sang well except for that one who couldn’t sing even though he was the star? Which is totally silly because 1) polar bears are solitary animals that do not live in packs nor flocks, so there would be no way to seek the love advice of an older, wiser polar bear unless you went to his icy hermitage or something, and 2) penguins have nothing to do with polar bears other than they just both live where it is cold.

Day #5

Oh, so "Sir Cecil Stanford Sexy Little Daddy Warbucks" loves being gay! Yeah!! I love when dogs/fish/spiders/people love what they are!! We should all take a moment to pat ourselves and say "I love being _______." I myself am going to say "I love being Maymee!" because I do.


How ironic I should have the opportunity to name this delighful little doggie, considering what just happened to me. A short while ago I was running a very important errand and I saw a man walking his itsy bitsy Yorkie. The dog was wearing four little booties and a little sweater. I squealed with delight as I will sometimes do, even when I am alone (for I am an only child and I am not embarrassed to do such things) and when I came back inside I told my friend (who also loves being gay) what I saw and he said "That dog was GAY! What a gay dog!" Now he could have just meant happy but I think that was a given considering the pup was wearing booties AND a sweater, I mean, that would make me happy, especially since it's snowing and it's terribly cold outside, but I think we all know that my friend was implying that the dog was indeed, gay. My friend then bolted out the door and came back a few minutes later and as he rushed by me he said "Not that there is anything wrong with being a gay dog." And everyone agreed that no, there was just nothing wrong with that.


My beautiful, wonderful mother went through a short period in my early college days when there was a whole rigamarole over the issue of me and being gay. Several times she took me aside and told me that if I were to find myself attracted to the ladies, she would be fully in support and that would be great and fine with everyone. And when my lovely cousin liberated herself and left her husband of 25 years for a woman, it became ALL THE RAGE to be gay and my mother was so proud of my cousin and got so caught up in the whole thing that she started pushing the issue quite a bit. I kept telling her "But I like boys." And it was not enough that not only am I absolutely BOY CRAZY and had my first crush on Ben Shields when I was practically in diapers, and I will continue to love the boys until I am chasing Mr. Johnson (oh you know the ladies LOVE Mr. Johnson) down in my wheelchair to sit by me during bingo in the nursing home, she didn't seem to hear me. At one point she tried to convince me that SHE was gay which was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and I told her to stop trying to be cool and just suck it up - she was NOT gay. And she would just have to deal with me being a heterosexual because that was the way I was made and I was not going to change for her! So there. But I do love showtunes.

Day #4

A special treat! Our first guest submission from, Kara, just one of our many loyal readers! The li'l hamster is named "Todd." And, if you ask me, he is in that cage with a big ol' bowl of Shredded Wheat. If some nice reader had not informed me that this animal was a hampster, I would have had no idea. In fact, it looks like a mouse to me. And I do not even acknowledge there is a difference between gerbils and hamsters. They are the same animal.


If he had been a gerbil, his name would still have been "Todd." My inability to tell the difference between these two most popular rodent pets used to infuriate my friend Sarah, who in college had a hamster. (That hamster's name was something like "Snowball," or something equally dull and banal, not a smart and cool name like "Todd.") And I don't know what the heck my problem was but I could NOT remember if it was a gerbil or a hamster (I had a similar problem with my other friend Sarah who had a trundle bed - I thought it was called a "treecle bed," whatever that is) and I drove her so nuts that finally after months of telling me it was a hamster she said to me "Listen, it's a HAMPSTER! There's an "AM" in the word. Just like in MAYMEE."

Day #3

Oh my, this bunny has sort of a nautical feel, doesn't she? Well, no matter, because her name has nothing to do with the sea. This little hopper is named "Rapunzel Johanssen Josesphine Baker" and there is no good reason for it, that is just her name. I like to use "Johanssen" alot when I name things, even though Scarlett Johanssen is an overrated twitface. Not as much as I like to make names Irish by adding a "Mc" before it (I myself, being half Irish-Scottish, the other half being Swedish, hazaah!) but I still like it alot. For instance, I could have named the little bunny "Missy McHopalong" but that would have been really boring on top of the fact that "Missy McHopalong" is NOT her name. It's Rapunzel Johanssen Josesphine Baker.



I have never had a bunny for a pet in my life, even though I brought one inside the house when I was 5, presumably to test that theory that if you touch a wild animal it's mother won't take it back. I never found out though because I tried to feed it a carrot and it ran away into the heating vent.



One year during my time at Navy Pier I dressed up in the Easter Bunny suit (Sunny Bunny was my name, and it was for money, I didn't just do this for fun) and even though I clearly had a bow in my hair everyone thought I was a boy because the costume was so big and I guess the rabbit is a masculine species so old suburban women kept hitting on me and it was creepy and I kept saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, don't sit on me!" But no one could hear me beacause I was in a bunny suit.

Day #2

Oh how I just LOVE ducks!! Ducks are my very favorite animals from childhood and when I was little I was OBSESSED with them and even wanted to be one. I wrote stories about ducks and sang songs about ducks and had ceramic versions of them all over my little pink room. I grew up in a small Swedish town in Kansas and there was a house by the highway that had live ducks living in the front yard and when we would go home from the pool I would make my mother drive by the house in our brown Triumph Spitfire with the convertible top down and I would yell “DUCKIES!!” and watch them run all around and laugh and laugh and laugh because I was simply a ridiculous child.

I have not changed very much.

These ducks are named “Peter Peabody” and “Petunia Peabody” because Peter and Petunia are fairly adorable and traditional barnyard names, and “Peabody” is an homage to the Peabody Hotel ducks who go up the elevator everyday in the famous Memphis landmark hotel. When Petunia gets married, she will most likely take her duck husband’s last name. And won’t that be a nice day.

Today is the second day of my fretful late-winter cold and it comes at the WORST time because I have a wine dinner to attend this evening, and it is not acceptable NOT to drink WINE at the WINE DINNER. This is terrible!! Until then, I shall whine.

Day #1

Oh my, this adorable little pig shall for all time be named "Duchess Penelope Spotsworth de la Barn" but she shall be known (to those familiar with her) as "Penny." Hopefully she will stay little and can come in the house and run around, so I can play with her and dress her in a bonnet and she can play and dine with the cats. My Grandma Maud lived on a farm and she had a little pig that came and lived in the house for a time, but she did not dress it up and it oinked so much she had to put it back in the barn.



I am home sick and can't figure out how to get the cold medicine open. I'm doooooooomed!