Day #8

Momma is “Genevive” and baby is “Helga” because they both look like they might just up and start to yodel. And those sound like yodelin’ names to me.

Day #7

Everything is in a name. EVERYTHING. Don't forget this. This fact is important and it's true. It's true regardless of whether or not you believe it is true. I will not go into the evidence of this because you can certainly do this on your own time, using the internet or perhaps and older piece of underrated searching equipment, the microfiche.



Now, this baby's name is "Lotus Elena." She seems like a little flower to me hence the "Lotus." And Elena is Helena's mother's name, so I thought that would be nice. And since their other child is "Billy Ray," clearly picked out by Mr. Burton, I thought Helena should be represented in this child. Now this hip celebrity couple has to decide whether to use "Burton," "Carter," Carter-Burton," "Bonham Carter," "Bonham Carter Burton," or just "Bonham" to finish it off. I would use just "Bonham" because "Carter" sounds like she's a country singer, "Bonham Carter Burton" would inevitably be turned into "BCB" the minute she got a DUI or started dating Kate Winslet's kid. And "Burton" is her brother's last name, and celebrities and their children need to be individuals, and shouldn't let on that they are necessarily related. Like Jamie Lee Curtis, who tricked everyone by taking her father's (Tony Curtis) name AND her mother's (Janet Leigh) name, but spelled it differently so no one would know any of them were related unless you saw Halloween H20, 20 Years Later and noticed not only the resemblence between mother and daughter but also their super hilarious inside joke when Janet Leigh says to Jaime "I've always felt like a mother figure to you," which is funny because she IS her mother and then you also think about how they are both stars of super AWESOME slasher flicks, it makes it even cooler.



Booooooooo!!! I just accidentally discovered this kid's real name and it's kinda dullsville and doesn't have the flair and theatricallity of "Lotus" and I think the Bonham Carter Burton's have may have missed an opportunity here. Do you know they live next to each other in seperate residences but share a hallway? What an unusual arrangement.



If the stork brought me a baby, I would name her "Lola" after that teenage gal in Atonement who wore that really smart pant suit.



MY stage name is "Floosie O'Toole."

Day #6

Oh boy this fuzzy friend from the Arctic is so darn cute. His name is “Leonardo” and he is a boy. In fact, his full name is “Leonardo Fitzgerald Gossamer Lyon.” I think he looks sort of like he has a lot of potential for wisdom, like he would grow up to be the wise old bear that all the other younger bears would ask advice of. He seems like the kind of bear who would have a small but significant role in a Pixar film about a polar bear community and the romantic lead polar bear, Jax, would go to Leonardo and ask him for love advice on how to snag the hot young blingin’ girl polar bear, Kennedi, who has her own dance crew and is the object of affection of all the boy polar bears, and Leonardo would tell Jax to give her a fish.

Hmmmmm……I am not very creative I guess, because that movie sounds suspiciously like that penguin movie that came out last year. The one where they all sang well except for that one who couldn’t sing even though he was the star? Which is totally silly because 1) polar bears are solitary animals that do not live in packs nor flocks, so there would be no way to seek the love advice of an older, wiser polar bear unless you went to his icy hermitage or something, and 2) penguins have nothing to do with polar bears other than they just both live where it is cold.

Day #5

Oh, so "Sir Cecil Stanford Sexy Little Daddy Warbucks" loves being gay! Yeah!! I love when dogs/fish/spiders/people love what they are!! We should all take a moment to pat ourselves and say "I love being _______." I myself am going to say "I love being Maymee!" because I do.


How ironic I should have the opportunity to name this delighful little doggie, considering what just happened to me. A short while ago I was running a very important errand and I saw a man walking his itsy bitsy Yorkie. The dog was wearing four little booties and a little sweater. I squealed with delight as I will sometimes do, even when I am alone (for I am an only child and I am not embarrassed to do such things) and when I came back inside I told my friend (who also loves being gay) what I saw and he said "That dog was GAY! What a gay dog!" Now he could have just meant happy but I think that was a given considering the pup was wearing booties AND a sweater, I mean, that would make me happy, especially since it's snowing and it's terribly cold outside, but I think we all know that my friend was implying that the dog was indeed, gay. My friend then bolted out the door and came back a few minutes later and as he rushed by me he said "Not that there is anything wrong with being a gay dog." And everyone agreed that no, there was just nothing wrong with that.


My beautiful, wonderful mother went through a short period in my early college days when there was a whole rigamarole over the issue of me and being gay. Several times she took me aside and told me that if I were to find myself attracted to the ladies, she would be fully in support and that would be great and fine with everyone. And when my lovely cousin liberated herself and left her husband of 25 years for a woman, it became ALL THE RAGE to be gay and my mother was so proud of my cousin and got so caught up in the whole thing that she started pushing the issue quite a bit. I kept telling her "But I like boys." And it was not enough that not only am I absolutely BOY CRAZY and had my first crush on Ben Shields when I was practically in diapers, and I will continue to love the boys until I am chasing Mr. Johnson (oh you know the ladies LOVE Mr. Johnson) down in my wheelchair to sit by me during bingo in the nursing home, she didn't seem to hear me. At one point she tried to convince me that SHE was gay which was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and I told her to stop trying to be cool and just suck it up - she was NOT gay. And she would just have to deal with me being a heterosexual because that was the way I was made and I was not going to change for her! So there. But I do love showtunes.

Day #4

A special treat! Our first guest submission from, Kara, just one of our many loyal readers! The li'l hamster is named "Todd." And, if you ask me, he is in that cage with a big ol' bowl of Shredded Wheat. If some nice reader had not informed me that this animal was a hampster, I would have had no idea. In fact, it looks like a mouse to me. And I do not even acknowledge there is a difference between gerbils and hamsters. They are the same animal.


If he had been a gerbil, his name would still have been "Todd." My inability to tell the difference between these two most popular rodent pets used to infuriate my friend Sarah, who in college had a hamster. (That hamster's name was something like "Snowball," or something equally dull and banal, not a smart and cool name like "Todd.") And I don't know what the heck my problem was but I could NOT remember if it was a gerbil or a hamster (I had a similar problem with my other friend Sarah who had a trundle bed - I thought it was called a "treecle bed," whatever that is) and I drove her so nuts that finally after months of telling me it was a hamster she said to me "Listen, it's a HAMPSTER! There's an "AM" in the word. Just like in MAYMEE."

Day #3

Oh my, this bunny has sort of a nautical feel, doesn't she? Well, no matter, because her name has nothing to do with the sea. This little hopper is named "Rapunzel Johanssen Josesphine Baker" and there is no good reason for it, that is just her name. I like to use "Johanssen" alot when I name things, even though Scarlett Johanssen is an overrated twitface. Not as much as I like to make names Irish by adding a "Mc" before it (I myself, being half Irish-Scottish, the other half being Swedish, hazaah!) but I still like it alot. For instance, I could have named the little bunny "Missy McHopalong" but that would have been really boring on top of the fact that "Missy McHopalong" is NOT her name. It's Rapunzel Johanssen Josesphine Baker.



I have never had a bunny for a pet in my life, even though I brought one inside the house when I was 5, presumably to test that theory that if you touch a wild animal it's mother won't take it back. I never found out though because I tried to feed it a carrot and it ran away into the heating vent.



One year during my time at Navy Pier I dressed up in the Easter Bunny suit (Sunny Bunny was my name, and it was for money, I didn't just do this for fun) and even though I clearly had a bow in my hair everyone thought I was a boy because the costume was so big and I guess the rabbit is a masculine species so old suburban women kept hitting on me and it was creepy and I kept saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, don't sit on me!" But no one could hear me beacause I was in a bunny suit.

Day #2

Oh how I just LOVE ducks!! Ducks are my very favorite animals from childhood and when I was little I was OBSESSED with them and even wanted to be one. I wrote stories about ducks and sang songs about ducks and had ceramic versions of them all over my little pink room. I grew up in a small Swedish town in Kansas and there was a house by the highway that had live ducks living in the front yard and when we would go home from the pool I would make my mother drive by the house in our brown Triumph Spitfire with the convertible top down and I would yell “DUCKIES!!” and watch them run all around and laugh and laugh and laugh because I was simply a ridiculous child.

I have not changed very much.

These ducks are named “Peter Peabody” and “Petunia Peabody” because Peter and Petunia are fairly adorable and traditional barnyard names, and “Peabody” is an homage to the Peabody Hotel ducks who go up the elevator everyday in the famous Memphis landmark hotel. When Petunia gets married, she will most likely take her duck husband’s last name. And won’t that be a nice day.

Today is the second day of my fretful late-winter cold and it comes at the WORST time because I have a wine dinner to attend this evening, and it is not acceptable NOT to drink WINE at the WINE DINNER. This is terrible!! Until then, I shall whine.

Day #1

Oh my, this adorable little pig shall for all time be named "Duchess Penelope Spotsworth de la Barn" but she shall be known (to those familiar with her) as "Penny." Hopefully she will stay little and can come in the house and run around, so I can play with her and dress her in a bonnet and she can play and dine with the cats. My Grandma Maud lived on a farm and she had a little pig that came and lived in the house for a time, but she did not dress it up and it oinked so much she had to put it back in the barn.



I am home sick and can't figure out how to get the cold medicine open. I'm doooooooomed!